you and me...

love is not far from your finger tips.
reach out.
do not be afraid.
i am unlike the past.
love will be here.
close your eyes.
jump.

lather, rinse, repeat...

restructuring your days and nights after somewhat of a wonderful routine has been established is difficult. what do i do with my time? who do i tell my pointless, what i think are funny, stories to? who do i kiss goodnight? and greet with love in the morning? i have no idea. all i know is... i just gotta keep going.

i'm so tempted to fall back into old patterns of running away. normally, i'd already be on my way out of state, starting anew. or at least i think. nothing ever gets resolved by leaving. problems follow me everywhere i go. a change of scenery isn't going to resolve anything.

however, i'm so tempted to day dream. should i pack up and move back to california? i know i could have a place to stay and get a job quite easily. or do i try something new and move to washington dc to go to school full time and not return for at least four years? or do i stay put, tough out the feelings that will ultimately pass and continue on with my somewhat meaningless life here in utah?

these thoughts bounce back and forth in my head. i have no answers. i am such a compulsive person, that i'm trying with everything in me to not make an irrational decision. i'm trying to wait it out, at least until things in my heart and head calm, to where i can make a decision with a clear mind, well, mostly clear mind. where was i? ahh yes, irrational decisions. i am notorious for them. i'd like to blame it all on my ocd, since compulsive behavior is part of that illness, but i can't. i am so fucked in the head that my mind does this snowball effect thing... i start by thinking of something, then i add on more and more worry and details until this tiny, insignifigant problem is now a huge wall that i cannot see over. i don't know why i do this. i wish i could tell ya, shit, i wish i could tell myself. see, here i am, rambling, losing my train of thought, beginning to tumble down a hill collecting snow along the way...

what i'm trying to say is, i don't want to continue to do things in my life that have previously been unsuccessful. being irrational and compulsive in my current state of mind is one of those things. i need a clear mind. i need to breathe. i need to remember that this too shall pass... then i'll be okay, right? ahh, what the fuck do you know, sheesh.

losing...

i can't believe this is actually happening.
we were so close to being happy.
when i reach out my hand,
you will no longer be there.
i have no where to store this love
i have bursting inside of me.
i don't know what to do.
i don't know what else to do...
besides walk away.

when the going gets tough...

it's best to keep moving.







we had our thing... and it was good. but it's best to just keep going.

30 days - days twenty-eight thru thirty

i'm getting kinda over this whole thirty day shabang... so here's twenty-eight thru thirty:

day twenty-eight: a picture of something you’re afraid of

i've already listed three things i am afraid of (cardboard, midgets and amputees), but here's a two things that i'm am terrified of...



being alone.
not in the sense of love, but in the sense of ever... i hate being alone. i love being around friends and family. of course, there are always the days you want to be alone, but i could never pull a jack london.



being successful.
lately, i've come to realize that i am terrified of being successful. i may know why, but i'm not completely sure.


day twenty-nine: a picture of something you wear every day.


my hearing aids.


day thirty: a picture of someone you miss.


shaelyn.
since i lived with my brother, his wife and shaelyn before they moved back to california, i really REALLY miss my little shae-shae. she's the weirdest, sweetest, cuuuutest little girl! i need her back in my life stat!




hazzah! thirty days are finally over. i know, i know, i cheated, but c'mon, that was just getting ridiculous.

30 days - day twenty-seven...

day twenty-seven: a picture of yourself and a family member






jodi and shelley.


i have a large family and extra members now... so here's a picture of me with my little sister and awesome mother. my sister, jodi, is a little fucker and has the cutest son, zion. she's been there for me through a lot, and i know, when it really comes down to it, she will always be there for me, cause that's what family does... my mom, shelley, is a wonderful woman and has done an excellent job raising us practically on her own. i love her so much. she is a very strong woman. i'm proud of her.

30 days - day twenty-six

day twenty-six: a picture of something that means a lot to you.




love

love is something that means a lot to me. i could not and would not be alive today without love. i want to find a love that will last forever. i can only dream...

take it easy (love nothing)

sometimes songs work better.

you think you're fooling me?

so, lately, i've been noticing how much i cannot stand certain people...

for instance...

i hate almost every female, especially if they posses the following qualities: obnoxiously girly, fake-tanned, materialistic, two-faced, full of shit, dumb, wear too much make up, hurt anyone close to me, if they like any or all of the twilight movies, think that celebrity news is the only news, think they're better than anyone, are super fucking fake and cannot admit it to themselves, and have an annoying voice.

basically, i really cannot stand most gals. i don't mind it at all. girls make the shittiest of friends, because of several of the reasons listed above.

i don't care if this makes me sound like an asshole, cause i already know i am.

if you get offended or pissed, fuck off... i'll just end up adding you to the list of people i'm going to fight... which right now only has three people (one of which i have already beat up twice)...


so fuck you. and have a nice day.

30 days - day twenty-five...

day twenty-five: a picture of your day




well, i don't really know how to capture that, but a picture of the only thing i'm looking forward to in my day is to cuddle with blake while we watch a movie or play video games or just talk... that's what i look forward to every day.