restructuring your days and nights after somewhat of a wonderful routine has been established is difficult. what do i do with my time? who do i tell my pointless, what i think are funny, stories to? who do i kiss goodnight? and greet with love in the morning? i have no idea. all i know is... i just gotta keep going.
i'm so tempted to fall back into old patterns of running away. normally, i'd already be on my way out of state, starting anew. or at least i think. nothing ever gets resolved by leaving. problems follow me everywhere i go. a change of scenery isn't going to resolve anything.
however, i'm so tempted to day dream. should i pack up and move back to california? i know i could have a place to stay and get a job quite easily. or do i try something new and move to washington dc to go to school full time and not return for at least four years? or do i stay put, tough out the feelings that will ultimately pass and continue on with my somewhat meaningless life here in utah?
these thoughts bounce back and forth in my head. i have no answers. i am such a compulsive person, that i'm trying with everything in me to not make an irrational decision. i'm trying to wait it out, at least until things in my heart and head calm, to where i can make a decision with a clear mind, well, mostly clear mind. where was i? ahh yes, irrational decisions. i am notorious for them. i'd like to blame it all on my ocd, since compulsive behavior is part of that illness, but i can't. i am so fucked in the head that my mind does this snowball effect thing... i start by thinking of something, then i add on more and more worry and details until this tiny, insignifigant problem is now a huge wall that i cannot see over. i don't know why i do this. i wish i could tell ya, shit, i wish i could tell myself. see, here i am, rambling, losing my train of thought, beginning to tumble down a hill collecting snow along the way...
what i'm trying to say is, i don't want to continue to do things in my life that have previously been unsuccessful. being irrational and compulsive in my current state of mind is one of those things. i need a clear mind. i need to breathe. i need to remember that this too shall pass... then i'll be okay, right? ahh, what the fuck do you know, sheesh.
i can't believe this is actually happening. we were so close to being happy. when i reach out my hand, you will no longer be there. i have no where to store this love i have bursting inside of me. i don't know what to do. i don't know what else to do... besides walk away.
i'm getting kinda over this whole thirty day shabang... so here's twenty-eight thru thirty:
day twenty-eight: a picture of something you’re afraid of
i've already listed three things i am afraid of (cardboard, midgets and amputees), but here's a two things that i'm am terrified of...
being alone. not in the sense of love, but in the sense of ever... i hate being alone. i love being around friends and family. of course, there are always the days you want to be alone, but i could never pull a jack london.
being successful. lately, i've come to realize that i am terrified of being successful. i may know why, but i'm not completely sure.
day twenty-nine: a picture of something you wear every day.
my hearing aids.
day thirty: a picture of someone you miss.
shaelyn. since i lived with my brother, his wife and shaelyn before they moved back to california, i really REALLY miss my little shae-shae. she's the weirdest, sweetest, cuuuutest little girl! i need her back in my life stat!
hazzah! thirty days are finally over. i know, i know, i cheated, but c'mon, that was just getting ridiculous.
day twenty-seven: a picture of yourself and a family member
jodi and shelley.
i have a large family and extra members now... so here's a picture of me with my little sister and awesome mother. my sister, jodi, is a little fucker and has the cutest son, zion. she's been there for me through a lot, and i know, when it really comes down to it, she will always be there for me, cause that's what family does... my mom, shelley, is a wonderful woman and has done an excellent job raising us practically on her own. i love her so much. she is a very strong woman. i'm proud of her.
so, lately, i've been noticing how much i cannot stand certain people...
i hate almost every female, especially if they posses the following qualities: obnoxiously girly, fake-tanned, materialistic, two-faced, full of shit, dumb, wear too much make up, hurt anyone close to me, if they like any or all of the twilight movies, think that celebrity news is the only news, think they're better than anyone, are super fucking fake and cannot admit it to themselves, and have an annoying voice.
basically, i really cannot stand most gals. i don't mind it at all. girls make the shittiest of friends, because of several of the reasons listed above.
i don't care if this makes me sound like an asshole, cause i already know i am.
if you get offended or pissed, fuck off... i'll just end up adding you to the list of people i'm going to fight... which right now only has three people (one of which i have already beat up twice)...
well, i don't really know how to capture that, but a picture of the only thing i'm looking forward to in my day is to cuddle with blake while we watch a movie or play video games or just talk... that's what i look forward to every day.
day twenty-four: a picture of something you wish you could change
my heart and mind.
i have a distorted sense of reality. i process things incorrectly. i wish i could change the way i think and feel about myself... it's something i work on every single day. despite my best efforts, it always feels like each step i take forward, i ultimately take 3 steps back. this is a constant battle that i don't know if i will ever win.
day twenty-one - a picture of somewhere you have traveled
when i was sixteen years old, my sister and i (along with about 12 others), went to jinja, uganda to help out with an orphanage for one month.
the children were amazing and so loving.
working with the malnourished and aids infected infants was probably one of my favorite parts of the trip.
we helped them start a garden, build a storage shed, and sanded/painted the nursery.
we were fortunate enough to travel to the nile river (jinja, uganda is the source of the nile river, stemming from lake victoria, which has the only above sea-level fault lines)
we went across the nile river in the sketchiest boat i have ever seen.
lake victoria and the nile river.
we were able to go to the market place... the strangest place i have ever been. it continued for miles in each direction. it was fun exploring the city, though.
two weeks, out of the month we were there, we stayed with local families to experience real life in africa. this was my family. they were so wonderful and made the most delicious vegetarian food i have ever had.
we also went to a refugee camp. the most difficult and heart-breaking place i have ever been. it really gave me a better perspective on life.
these children and their families were forced out of their homes by rebels. they all lived in mud huts. to many of them, we were the first white people they have ever seen. it was quite the experience.
we were fortunate enough to have a two-day layover in ethiopia. addis abbaba, ethiopia (the capitol) was a bustling city. everything was very dirty and poverty stricken.
although, if you looked close enough, there was a lot of beauty in addis abbaba. their mosques and churches were gorgeous. the culture seemed very rich.
i would give anything to be able to go back to africa, anywhere in africa, to help out. there is so much need. one day i will... one day...
day seventeen - a picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently
this mother fucker is one great guy. i have never met someone so genuine and so full of integrity. he is a man of his word. he has brought such positivity to my life. i've never met someone where we instantly became wonderful friends. we have so much in common, yet there's such differences, where it balances out perfectly. he has taught me so much about a variety of things. i don't think i could ask for a better friend. he was there when no one else in my life was. he has stood by me through a lot of bullshit. even though this friendship is just beginning, he is someone that i will always cherish and have in my life, no matter what the circumstance.
day sixteen - a picture of someone who inspires you.
i find inspiration in many different ways...
to pin point a single person who gives me inspiration is a very difficult task.
it constantly changes with those who come in and out of my life.
right now, through a trying time of self-discovery and rebuilding, i think of myself as my biggest inspiration.
i know what i am capable of, i know what i have done in the past that hasn't worked and i know that if i keep pressing forward, my life can and will improve. this isn't meant to seem selfish at all. i just know that as of right this moment, i am my biggest inspiration. i do not want to make the same mistakes i have. i want to be able to make myself happy. i believe in myself. i can do it. if i falter, i know i have a select few in my life who will be there to encourage me. ultimately, though, it is me. i am the one who has to dig deep within myself to make things happen...
day fifteen - a picture of something you want to do before you die
there's a lot of things i want to do before i die.
start a family.
one thing that i would love more than anything to do is to go back to Uganda, Africa and help with the orphanage i did when i was 16. i also want to go to ghana with signs of hope international and teach deaf children sign language.