hope for the hopeless?

i was just informed by my psychiatrist that i am only able to work 20 hours a week... indefinitely. i guess until i'm more stable.

thankfully, i will still get my health benefits... and now i qualify for disability...

i'm still not gonna give up...


you just dont get it...

you know the painful, scary, exhillerating, joyous feeling of being in the presence of true love?

you don't? really? well...

that's what I've found. for the very first time in my life, I have felt like I have finally found it... what dreams are made of, what movies are based on, what I thought I'd only ever be able to imagine. love that was so selfless and so pure. it wasn't forced or fake. it was real. I hate the term "soulmates," but now, I believe its true...

at the beginning...

from the moment we spent our first time together, I knew something was different. the smiles, the laughs, the sweet glances, the warm embrace as the evening ended, the anticipation of a first kiss that would happen at a later date ... all of these things immediately captured my heart from the start...

everything happened quickly, maybe that's what will cause it all to go wrong in the end, who knows...

I immediately felt like we were best friends, like we've known each other for many, many years. we could finish each other's sentences, feel so comfortable in the most intimate settings, laugh at each other's jokes when no one else thought things were funny...

everything seemed so perfect...

minus one huge detail...

he was (is) not ready for a relationship... and, of course, I completely understand his reasonings. I have no problem with him not wanting to be in a relationship...

but you just don't get it...

I've continuously informed him that I would wait a lifetime for the chance to be with him... and I meant it, still do. the thought of being able to love someone so much, to find joy in their smile, to find reasons for living in their eyes, to find comfort in their arms, to find peace in their words, to find true love in their kiss... all of these things I would die for... so waiting a lifetime doesn't seem so bad...

everything is confusing right now. things are going unsaid, the future is uncertain...

but right now, in the silence, even though there are tears in my eyes and pain in my heart... I am happy because I am near you.

I wish you could see what I see...


hopeless romantic...

i'm such a nerd when it comes to love.

i want a love story.

it's just not in the cards for me.

love, marriage, a family, fullfillment...

never gonna happen.

it's okay, though...

i'll always have my dreams.


family is all you've got...

lately, i've been noticing that some of my friends have always been there, when others haven't. there's no suprise that i have the most amazing friends, which i consider my family.

i'm thankful for each and every one of you.


fresh start?

back to work today.

i'm nervous. i'm terrified. i might throw up.


friday nights...

now that i'm out of the hospital, how do i spend my first friday night in the real world?

i play scrabble with my mom and step-dad. don't be jealous.



reality is a shared hallucination.

(sorry for the long posts, i just needed to get this out of my mind so i can move on)

as listed in the last post, i have been struggling with mental illness. as far back as i can remember, i always knew that there was something off...

my first experience with self-harm (cutting, burning) was at the age of 13. feeling so alone with my thoughts, feeling burdened with this illness, this secret that i couldn't share with anyone. a manic episode resulted in me crying, in a panic, rushing to my room, grabbing scissors and began to cut. it wasn't too deep, and i didn't really permanently harm myself, but the release i had from the physical pain versus having to deal with the emotional pain was the "savior" i was searching for...

so began my self-harming career, for lack of a better term. i can recall being alone so many times, wishing that the feelings and thoughts that plagued me every single day would stop. cutting was my outlet. taking a knife, pressing it to your skin and seeing the blood trickle down your wrists was what i thought would save me from all of the pain and hurt that was consuming me...


this ultimately resulted in my first serious suicide attempt. i was 16. i cut my wrist, got scared that i went too deep, bandaged myself up, no one knew...

i wish people without a mental illness could really grasp how unbelievably painful it is to wake up every morning wishing you were dead. it's unbearable...

a hospital visit in utah at the age of 18 (i tried moving here when i was 18 to run away from a relationship gone horribly wrong). needless to say, my problems followed me. again with the scissors... they stitched me up but didn't send me to an inpatient unit... which, in retrospect, i wish they would have...

my first hospital stay, i was maybe 20. i was living alone. i was so overwhelmed by so many different factors in my life that the first thing i thought was to kill myself, thinking people would be better off without me so i couldn't cause any more hurt in their lives (coming from a daughter who's father shot himself when i was 16, you'd think i would know better). i was terrified, yet again. i called my friend who is an EMT. he came over and informed me to go to the hospital. the ER reeked of latex gloves and piss. the psychiatric unit of this hospital was outrageous. a nurse stitched my wrist up, and i was sent to a psychiatric ward for 72 hours, as per california state law. upon arrival, i immediately knew i did not belong in there. the wire covered windows, door-less rooms, bolted down furniture... it's exactly what you see in a movie... but i was in it...


i swore off cutting, i swore off medication. i was in denial that anything was wrong with me, but how could that be? not sleeping for days on end then crashing into a dark pit that i cannot claw my way out of... crying too much, anorexia, alcoholism... i was masking my pain. i was trying to be "normal." it was impossible.

it had been about 3 years since i cut myself. i was anorexic because in my fucked up head, i thought my boyfriend at the time was disgusted with me (which in the end, he told me he was).

in september 2008, summer was coming to a close. my alcohol consumption and drug use had been out of control. as the days became shorter, mania set in again. i couldn't sleep, i couldn't eat. i vacuumed my apartment for almost 4 days straight until i crashed. it isn't a gradual process most of the time. i got mono, so i couldn't leave my place. this is when it began. i couldn't walk. i couldn't shower. i couldn't eat. i couldn't clean. i had no motivation to get out of bed. the one day i decided to start an art project (which is another symptom of mania), i couldn't stop crying over this relationship i had been in for almost 3 years was rapidly falling apart. there were prescription bottles that i had collected over the summer (falsely saying i was in pain to get pain medication, etc, etc). i took them all. i began to lose feeling in my arms and legs. i could barely hold my head up. my face was puffy and red from the tears. my friend called me. she saved my life. she rushed me up to the ER... i was still alive. i was ordered to go to UNI (Utah Neuropsychological Institute). I was there for 9 days. UNI really changed my outlook on life and for the first time in years, i felt like there was something to live for, myself.

fast forward to 2011... january 4, 2011. i was in manic again. i started to become paranoid. i was at work, crying uncontrollably, barely breathing. i decided that i'd rather die than feel this much pain (which i was making up in my mind, there was no reason to be paranoid). i went to my mom's because i didn't feel safe to be at home. when i got there, i called my friend to ask her to take me to Alcoholics Anonymous, thinking that would cheer me up and make me feel better. when we got to AA, i was listening to the speaker, but i didn't hear a word she said. i was still manic. i look over to my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend. she had a ring on her finger. they were engaged. i couldn't breathe. i went outside and cried. i had no hope of living. when i went back in, i asked my friend to take me to UNI so i would be safe and not do anything dumb (like jump off a bridge, which was my plan at the time). i was admitted. my mania plunged straight into the worst depression i have ever felt. i felt numb, scared, so unhappy, hopeless, helpless, apprehensive... there are too many emotions to list... i did what i was supposed to do. i went to all of the therapeutic groups that were offered. i got my 90 day chip in AA and CA (Cocaine Anonymous). i should have been feeling better, right? i was learning all of these wonderful tools to apply to my life. nothing had changed. the days were too long and the nights were unbearable. i obsessed one day of how to hang myself in the shower. another day, i was trying to figure out how to disassemble the razor they gave me to shave in order to cut. i found pain-release again through self-harm, digging my nails into my skin, the rush and pain were soothing. i am still struggling not to utilize the falsehood of self-harm. it has done nothing but ruin my life. my suicidal ideations came to a quick halt. i felt numb. i don't know if it was the medication, but i had no feelings. i was shaky, still am. my anxiety has been unmanageable. i was released yesterday. i am still terrified. i am without a car, i am too afraid to go back to work because my mind is so cloudy, i don't think i have a place to live right now (but there are alternatives i am looking in to, since i have zero dollars)... all of these things would normally overwhelm me, but with the assistance of my support system, they have calmed me down.

one day at a time. one day at a time. one day at a time... someday i'll be able to manage my illness...

pffft... and you think YOU'RE crazy

i have been struggling with bipolar 2 disorder, borderline personality disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder for as long as i can remember. let me break it down for you so you get an understanding (i know this is a long post, my next one will explain why i'm giving these definitions):

bipolar 2 disorder:

a clinical course that is characterized by the occurrence of one or more Major Depressive Episodes accompanied by at least one Hypomanic Episode.

Criteria for Major Depressive Episode (DSM-IV, p. 327)
A. Five (or more) of the following symptoms have been present during the same 2-week period and represent a change from previous functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of interest or pleasure.

1. depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g. appears tearful). Note: In children and adolescents, can be irritable mood.
2. markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day
3. significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain, or decrease or increase in appetite nearly every day.
4. insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day
5. psychomotor agitation nearly every day
6. fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day
7. feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day
8. diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
9. recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide
B. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.
C. The symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
D. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition.
E. The symptoms persist for longer than 2 months or are characterized by marked functional impairment, morbid preoccupation with worthlessness, suicidal ideation, psychotic symptoms, or psychomotor retardation.

Criteria for Manic Episode (DSM-IV, p. 332)

A. A distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week (or any duration if hospitalization is necessary).
B. During the period of mood disturbance, three (or more) of the following symptoms have persisted (four if the mood is only irritable) and have been present to a significant degree:

1. inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
2. decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
3. more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
4. flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
5. distractibility (i.e., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
6. increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
7. excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences
A. The symptoms do not meet criteria for a Mixed Episode.
B. The mood disturbance is sufficiently severe to cause marked impairment in occupational functioning or in usual social activities or relationships with others, or to necessitate hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others, or there are psychotic features.

there is also Mixed Episodes with both manic and depressed episodes are experienced at least once a week... that's what i was dealing with on january 4, 2011... please keep reading. it's nice when people can actually have an understanding with what i go through every single day.

borderline personality disorder:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

but wait... there's more...

obsessive compulsive disorder:

A. Either obsessions or compulsions:

Obsessions are as defined by (1), (2), (3), and (4):
1. recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety or distress
2. the thoughts, impulses, or images are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems
3. the person attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, impulses, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action
4. the person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind (not imposed from without as in thought insertion)

Compulsions as defined by (1) and (2):
1. repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession, or according to rules that must be applied rigidly
2. the behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing distress or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts either are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or are clearly excessive
B. At some point during the course of the disorder, the person has recognized that the obsessions or compulsions are excessive or unreasonable. Note: This does not apply to children.
C. The obsessions or compulsions cause marked distress, are time consuming (take more than 1 hour a day), or significantly interfere with the person's normal routine, occupational (or academic) functioning, or usual activities or relationships.


and so it goes...

"I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong." - Murakami


world = shattered

i guess that's what you get for trusting someone with your heart.


a girl can dream, can't she?

i know i'm bat-shit crazy. i've accepted it. i have no problem with it either.

every girl dreams about getting married one day. i do... mostly about the dress...

so, if one day i do get married, i'd like one of these, please...



everyone should read this...






childish things...

my four-day weekend to ring in the new year ruled, not only because i had four days off in a row...

sometimes you just have to act out.

wednesday - mario party 2 and bubble bobble... all night.

thursday - bowling with friends... then blake and i beat bubble bobble and super bubble bobble (yeah, i'm proud of it).

friday - board games and soda pop. kicked some major ass at cranium with blake on my team.

saturday - in bed all day until 2am food rendezvous with friends.

sunday - in bed all day again.

basically, i did nothing but have fun, act like a kid and enjoy my time with friends. my favorite activity of the weekend was definitely bowling. i almost beat blake... almost.