keep going...

without any more distractions.

immediate things i'm looking forward to:

my birthday.
i wish i was going to have a cute party, but i'll probably home alone watching a movie or something non-eventful... or maybe the ReAL match.

iron and wine at in the venue.


currently, i'm on the search for an apartment. alone. it's been taking quite some time, but i'm definitely looking forward to having my own space and not answering to anyone but myself. being single has its perks.

starting school in the fall. working on my bachelors in teaching.

summer is coming, that means, cut off shorts, tank tops and bike rides... bbqs with friends, pool parties, hot tubs galore, and tons of baseball games.

i should start looking for a partner in crime. had one last summer and the year before, it was perfect.... hmmm... mostly everyone i know is either married with kids or already paired up with someone or they drink and seems like people who drink don't like to hang out with me very much anymore.

so, we can be friends, you just haven't made me yet. i'm done sitting by the phone, i'm done hoping this will change, i'm done. and this is all what you wanted. so don't cry to me when you realize that this is a huge mistake.


here's to a wonderful summer!



i keep coming back to you in my head.

i keep lying to myself, thinking this time you may have changed your mind.

i have yet to be correct.

i need to learn from my mistakes.

cause this is becoming too much to bear. i need to give up. i need to walk away...


maybe next time you'll change your mind?

maybe next time...


(it's not the best quality, but you get the idea)



sometimes i think that i am doing the wrong thing.

i love being here with you. i love relaxing and watching ridiculous television with you.


what have you been up to?

recap of the last two weeks...

(picture overload)

i was feeling pretty down, so my sister dragged me out of the house to go see our friends' band play. just before we went to the show, we stopped by Cathedral Tattoo.


purely out of impulse, i decided to set up an appoitment for tne following day to get tattooed.

cj fishburn tattooed a tiny dinosaur behind my right ear. i did it for my bad ass nephew, zion. he always pretends he's a dinosaur... i dunno, it made sense at the time.


after getting tattooed, my friend, duane, and i decided to stroll broadway, since it was the first day of nice weather in quite some time. little did we know, it was record store day. slowtrain records was having a little celebration out back...



we went into the many antique shops on 3rd south. i bought some adorable rings. we stopped into Frosty Darling. this is probably one of my favorite shops in salt lake. i bought a little love letter, then we were on our way.


this week consisted of me getting very sick. it's awful. i hate it so much.

on saturday, blake and i were in a golf tournament for the northwestern golf association for the deaf. it was blake's first time golfing. we had a blast! i even won on one of the holes for closest to the pin... yep. i did. it was crazy.





we met up with josh collins and his daughters for dinner then were gonna go to richard's soccer game, however, we showed up to the wrong one, so we just went home and watch some netflix until we fell asleep...

then sunday. easter. ugh. i'm so very sick. it was great seeing the kidlets. they're always adorable...
i don't feel like posting any pictures... basically, the kids are very cute. they looked for eggs. we ate. the end.

now i just want to sleep... forever, but i have to work in the morning... so there ya have it...

an update with retarded amounts of photos...


loss for words...

my dearest,

i can't thank you enough for the time we've spent together. the last five months have helped me so much more than you'll ever know. i've never had anyone in my life care about me as much as you did. you were there when no one else was... i was abandoned, but you were there. you came to see me every day i was in the hospital. you were my strength when i had none. you were my light when dark clounds lingered over my head. you are the only person who has been able to calm my nerves. you are the only person who has made me feel beautiful. you are the only person who has accepted me for exactly who i am, flaws and all. we're so much alike, yet so different. i've been lucky enough to learn from you and grow. you've helped me find my path and direction. i was lost for so long. i see a future for me now. i must admit, i used to dream of my future with you. a family. love. joy.

i'm a naive gal when it comes to love. i always thought i have been in love before... nothing compares to what i feel when i'm with you. even just thinking of you. this is what it is to be in love, really in love. you have introduced hope, joy and true love into my life. i never thought i'd see the day that i would know love. unfortunately, it is something i will just have a sweet memory of. my love for you will never, ever have an ending. the beauty of your heart and love, being stripped away, has left my heart damaged. i understand. i respect you decision. i will always support you. it will be difficult to hold my head up. i do not want to know a life without your love. you're slowly slipping away. you're so far, i am unable to hold on. i wish nothing but happiness in your life. you deserve nothing short of the best. never settle for something less than you deserve. although you may seek the arms of another, no one will ever love you as much as i do. you have shown me a life that i've only envisioned in dreams. i will carry this image with me. it will be my hope. my false hope.

believe in yourself. look inside for your joy. it's there. you need to wipe the tears from your eyes and see clearly. you are all that you need. open your eyes. open your eyes.

i'm so torn. i don't know what to do. friends? friends. i don't know if i can stand seeing you and being forbidden to love you. i don't know... i'll never know...



i've got to find my way.

i'm so lost.
i'm so confused.
i'm so frustrated.
i'm so alone.
i'm so scared.
i'm so withdrawn.

i have no clue where i'm going or what i'm doing.

i don't know what i want, but i know i don't want this...