i'm so tempted to fall back into old patterns of running away. normally, i'd already be on my way out of state, starting anew. or at least i think. nothing ever gets resolved by leaving. problems follow me everywhere i go. a change of scenery isn't going to resolve anything.
however, i'm so tempted to day dream. should i pack up and move back to california? i know i could have a place to stay and get a job quite easily. or do i try something new and move to washington dc to go to school full time and not return for at least four years? or do i stay put, tough out the feelings that will ultimately pass and continue on with my somewhat meaningless life here in utah?
these thoughts bounce back and forth in my head. i have no answers. i am such a compulsive person, that i'm trying with everything in me to not make an irrational decision. i'm trying to wait it out, at least until things in my heart and head calm, to where i can make a decision with a clear mind, well, mostly clear mind. where was i? ahh yes, irrational decisions. i am notorious for them. i'd like to blame it all on my ocd, since compulsive behavior is part of that illness, but i can't. i am so fucked in the head that my mind does this snowball effect thing... i start by thinking of something, then i add on more and more worry and details until this tiny, insignifigant problem is now a huge wall that i cannot see over. i don't know why i do this. i wish i could tell ya, shit, i wish i could tell myself. see, here i am, rambling, losing my train of thought, beginning to tumble down a hill collecting snow along the way...
what i'm trying to say is, i don't want to continue to do things in my life that have previously been unsuccessful. being irrational and compulsive in my current state of mind is one of those things. i need a clear mind. i need to breathe. i need to remember that this too shall pass... then i'll be okay, right? ahh, what the fuck do you know, sheesh.
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