donut falls...

since i'm currently going insane, my mother decided to take me hiking.

zion came along. we had the most fun together. i love that kid more than anything.

here's a few pictures from our hike to donut falls.

life recap...

so i've obviously been distracted lately...


here's a photo-overload of what's been going on...

we'll start with my birthday (may 28th)

blake is the most amazing person.



my entire birthday was a complete surprise.

every place we went, i was clueless.

first we met up with casey and some other dudes to watch the UEFA match at Piper Down.



lunch was delicious.



then, we started to head downtown... i had no idea what was coming.

we pulled up to Cathedral Tattoo . it goes without saying that i was excited.




blake got me a gift card so i can finally start my sleeve. we set up an appointment with Jake Miller. his artwork is fantastic. i'm so excited for july 15th.


by that time, we were both quite sleepy. we decided to head back to blake's to take a nap... however, we stopped at a park, where i got my next gift. he got me a baseball glove. i love it! we had a catch then went to take a nap.





after resting, there was yet another surprise. i was hoping that we would go to the ReAL match. he tricked me, said we were going elsewhere, but sure enough, he took me to the match. it was such a blast, minus the outrageous downpour that happened. we still had a blast.




okay, so it's 10pm, you'd think that the day is over... but no. we meet up with a few friends at leatherby's where i get a birthday sundae.





the day was perfect. i've never felt so special, and it's all thanks to blake. we got breakfast the next morning... it ruled.








fast forward a bit. i got the pleasure to see iron and wine. it was such an amazing show. such talent.




then then then... my nephew and i are best buds. i love him. zion is my favorite person.











hmm... besides the hospital visit.... i think that's it. blake's doing well. we hope there isn't surgery in his future... we'll find out soon enough.



thanks for hanging in there. this post is too long. fuck.

back to normal...

what a weekend!

blake was admitted to the hospital friday afternoon.

almost had to get emergency surgery on saturday.

he's doing so much better, they're actually discharging him today.

I am so happy he's alright. I've been at the hospital since he's been admitted.

I'm excited to go home and shower. things will return to how they were before.

back to a friend.

i hate brandi pahl...

she's a worthless piece of shit cunt.

i wish her nothing but the absolute worst. she deserves nothing less.

fuck you, brandi. i hope you choke on every lie you've ever told.

you are scum.


little delightful message to you, fucking whore:





there is nothing between us but oceans of bad blood.... fuck you.




i'll fall to my knees and pray for your death.

music: moving on...

going... going...

gone.

i'm giving up.
i'm giving in.
nothing good will happen in the end.

drowning in a sea of my own lies.
each breath stolen.
lies choked down like cheap whiskey.
burning as it is swallowed up.

you have forgotten my love.
you have forgotten my promises.
blinded by fear and foolishness.
you're giving up.

don't let go.
it will never come back.
don't let go.
please hold on tight.

this hurts too much.
everything is ruined.
open your eyes.
i'm not her.
i'm not her.
i'm not her.



time to give up.
time to give in.

i believe in you.

i can only love you from a distance.

a distance.

far enough to guard my heart.
far enough so you cannot hear me cry.
far enough where i cannot see your smile.

please don't forget me.
please don't forget my love.
please don't forget me.

you were all i've ever wanted.
you were always just a dream.
false hope surrounds me.
false hope. false hope.

lost cause...

no matter what i do.

or how hard i try.

it's still not what you want.


i'm confused.

i'm hurt.

i'm lost in the sea of my thoughts.


i don't know what to do.

i don't know what to say.

i'm trying my hardest to give up on you.

let go... breath in...

and out.


time to begin another chapter in my life. you're welcome to join me, but you've already put the book down...



here's to a fresh start.

here's to not making the same mistakes.

here's to falling in love with myself.

here's to crying less and laughing more.

here's to me. and you. and you too.

plastic bags...

after months of searching, i have decided to get an apartment with my co-worker...

i know, i know, living alone is most ideal, but sweet jesus, shit is expensiiiive!

we are getting a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment, approximately 1000 square feet... i'm so excited!






today, i decided that i would make a purchase...

i bought a dress. i got it from Beyond The Rack. I cannot WAIT to wear it!










oh, and why didn't anyone tell me that falling in love hurt so much? that would have been excellent advice...


just keep going.
just keep going.
just keep going.


i will not give up on my life.

sunday funday...

i had the most amazing weekend!

well, most amazing sunday. saturday, i layed in bed all day... i was okay with it.



but sunday!


my sister-in-law, two of her daughters and myself ventured downtown for Craft Sabbath. it made me wanna make crafts like crazy!



we hopped on trax to go to the mall, since the girls really wanted a train ride.
they loved it.



then we stopped for lunch at whole foods. i love ellyannah's space-cadet expressions.



thennn, it was earth jam. that's basically the earth day festival, which is basically hippie bullshit weirdos day. it was quite the people-watching extravaganza...
but still, the girls had a blast. it was really nice to get out with kim.



thennnn, blake and i decided to grab some candy and go see a movie. we went and saw the conspirator. i thought it was a great flick. it definitely kept me very entertained.



above all, i was smiling, laughing and thankful for every second of the day.

i'm in love with that feeling. i hope i find it more often.

keep going...

without any more distractions.


immediate things i'm looking forward to:

my birthday.
i wish i was going to have a cute party, but i'll probably home alone watching a movie or something non-eventful... or maybe the ReAL match.



iron and wine at in the venue.




currently, i'm on the search for an apartment. alone. it's been taking quite some time, but i'm definitely looking forward to having my own space and not answering to anyone but myself. being single has its perks.



starting school in the fall. working on my bachelors in teaching.

summer is coming, that means, cut off shorts, tank tops and bike rides... bbqs with friends, pool parties, hot tubs galore, and tons of baseball games.

i should start looking for a partner in crime. had one last summer and the year before, it was perfect.... hmmm... mostly everyone i know is either married with kids or already paired up with someone or they drink and seems like people who drink don't like to hang out with me very much anymore.


so, we can be friends, you just haven't made me yet. i'm done sitting by the phone, i'm done hoping this will change, i'm done. and this is all what you wanted. so don't cry to me when you realize that this is a huge mistake.





here's to a wonderful summer!

carousel...

i keep coming back to you in my head.

i keep lying to myself, thinking this time you may have changed your mind.

i have yet to be correct.

i need to learn from my mistakes.

cause this is becoming too much to bear. i need to give up. i need to walk away...

but...

maybe next time you'll change your mind?

maybe next time...

maybe...


(it's not the best quality, but you get the idea)

dreamers...

sometimes i think that i am doing the wrong thing.


i love being here with you. i love relaxing and watching ridiculous television with you.

what have you been up to?

recap of the last two weeks...

(picture overload)


i was feeling pretty down, so my sister dragged me out of the house to go see our friends' band play. just before we went to the show, we stopped by Cathedral Tattoo.



purely out of impulse, i decided to set up an appoitment for tne following day to get tattooed.

cj fishburn tattooed a tiny dinosaur behind my right ear. i did it for my bad ass nephew, zion. he always pretends he's a dinosaur... i dunno, it made sense at the time.




after getting tattooed, my friend, duane, and i decided to stroll broadway, since it was the first day of nice weather in quite some time. little did we know, it was record store day. slowtrain records was having a little celebration out back...





we went into the many antique shops on 3rd south. i bought some adorable rings. we stopped into Frosty Darling. this is probably one of my favorite shops in salt lake. i bought a little love letter, then we were on our way.



this week consisted of me getting very sick. it's awful. i hate it so much.


on saturday, blake and i were in a golf tournament for the northwestern golf association for the deaf. it was blake's first time golfing. we had a blast! i even won on one of the holes for closest to the pin... yep. i did. it was crazy.









we met up with josh collins and his daughters for dinner then were gonna go to richard's soccer game, however, we showed up to the wrong one, so we just went home and watch some netflix until we fell asleep...


then sunday. easter. ugh. i'm so very sick. it was great seeing the kidlets. they're always adorable...
i don't feel like posting any pictures... basically, the kids are very cute. they looked for eggs. we ate. the end.

now i just want to sleep... forever, but i have to work in the morning... so there ya have it...

an update with retarded amounts of photos...

loss for words...

my dearest,


i can't thank you enough for the time we've spent together. the last five months have helped me so much more than you'll ever know. i've never had anyone in my life care about me as much as you did. you were there when no one else was... i was abandoned, but you were there. you came to see me every day i was in the hospital. you were my strength when i had none. you were my light when dark clounds lingered over my head. you are the only person who has been able to calm my nerves. you are the only person who has made me feel beautiful. you are the only person who has accepted me for exactly who i am, flaws and all. we're so much alike, yet so different. i've been lucky enough to learn from you and grow. you've helped me find my path and direction. i was lost for so long. i see a future for me now. i must admit, i used to dream of my future with you. a family. love. joy.

i'm a naive gal when it comes to love. i always thought i have been in love before... nothing compares to what i feel when i'm with you. even just thinking of you. this is what it is to be in love, really in love. you have introduced hope, joy and true love into my life. i never thought i'd see the day that i would know love. unfortunately, it is something i will just have a sweet memory of. my love for you will never, ever have an ending. the beauty of your heart and love, being stripped away, has left my heart damaged. i understand. i respect you decision. i will always support you. it will be difficult to hold my head up. i do not want to know a life without your love. you're slowly slipping away. you're so far, i am unable to hold on. i wish nothing but happiness in your life. you deserve nothing short of the best. never settle for something less than you deserve. although you may seek the arms of another, no one will ever love you as much as i do. you have shown me a life that i've only envisioned in dreams. i will carry this image with me. it will be my hope. my false hope.

believe in yourself. look inside for your joy. it's there. you need to wipe the tears from your eyes and see clearly. you are all that you need. open your eyes. open your eyes.


i'm so torn. i don't know what to do. friends? friends. i don't know if i can stand seeing you and being forbidden to love you. i don't know... i'll never know...

compass...

i've got to find my way.


i'm so lost.
i'm so confused.
i'm so frustrated.
i'm so alone.
i'm so scared.
i'm so withdrawn.


i have no clue where i'm going or what i'm doing.

i don't know what i want, but i know i don't want this...

you and me...

love is not far from your finger tips.
reach out.
do not be afraid.
i am unlike the past.
love will be here.
close your eyes.
jump.

lather, rinse, repeat...

restructuring your days and nights after somewhat of a wonderful routine has been established is difficult. what do i do with my time? who do i tell my pointless, what i think are funny, stories to? who do i kiss goodnight? and greet with love in the morning? i have no idea. all i know is... i just gotta keep going.

i'm so tempted to fall back into old patterns of running away. normally, i'd already be on my way out of state, starting anew. or at least i think. nothing ever gets resolved by leaving. problems follow me everywhere i go. a change of scenery isn't going to resolve anything.

however, i'm so tempted to day dream. should i pack up and move back to california? i know i could have a place to stay and get a job quite easily. or do i try something new and move to washington dc to go to school full time and not return for at least four years? or do i stay put, tough out the feelings that will ultimately pass and continue on with my somewhat meaningless life here in utah?

these thoughts bounce back and forth in my head. i have no answers. i am such a compulsive person, that i'm trying with everything in me to not make an irrational decision. i'm trying to wait it out, at least until things in my heart and head calm, to where i can make a decision with a clear mind, well, mostly clear mind. where was i? ahh yes, irrational decisions. i am notorious for them. i'd like to blame it all on my ocd, since compulsive behavior is part of that illness, but i can't. i am so fucked in the head that my mind does this snowball effect thing... i start by thinking of something, then i add on more and more worry and details until this tiny, insignifigant problem is now a huge wall that i cannot see over. i don't know why i do this. i wish i could tell ya, shit, i wish i could tell myself. see, here i am, rambling, losing my train of thought, beginning to tumble down a hill collecting snow along the way...

what i'm trying to say is, i don't want to continue to do things in my life that have previously been unsuccessful. being irrational and compulsive in my current state of mind is one of those things. i need a clear mind. i need to breathe. i need to remember that this too shall pass... then i'll be okay, right? ahh, what the fuck do you know, sheesh.

losing...

i can't believe this is actually happening.
we were so close to being happy.
when i reach out my hand,
you will no longer be there.
i have no where to store this love
i have bursting inside of me.
i don't know what to do.
i don't know what else to do...
besides walk away.

when the going gets tough...

it's best to keep moving.







we had our thing... and it was good. but it's best to just keep going.

30 days - days twenty-eight thru thirty

i'm getting kinda over this whole thirty day shabang... so here's twenty-eight thru thirty:

day twenty-eight: a picture of something you’re afraid of

i've already listed three things i am afraid of (cardboard, midgets and amputees), but here's a two things that i'm am terrified of...



being alone.
not in the sense of love, but in the sense of ever... i hate being alone. i love being around friends and family. of course, there are always the days you want to be alone, but i could never pull a jack london.



being successful.
lately, i've come to realize that i am terrified of being successful. i may know why, but i'm not completely sure.


day twenty-nine: a picture of something you wear every day.


my hearing aids.


day thirty: a picture of someone you miss.


shaelyn.
since i lived with my brother, his wife and shaelyn before they moved back to california, i really REALLY miss my little shae-shae. she's the weirdest, sweetest, cuuuutest little girl! i need her back in my life stat!




hazzah! thirty days are finally over. i know, i know, i cheated, but c'mon, that was just getting ridiculous.

30 days - day twenty-seven...

day twenty-seven: a picture of yourself and a family member






jodi and shelley.


i have a large family and extra members now... so here's a picture of me with my little sister and awesome mother. my sister, jodi, is a little fucker and has the cutest son, zion. she's been there for me through a lot, and i know, when it really comes down to it, she will always be there for me, cause that's what family does... my mom, shelley, is a wonderful woman and has done an excellent job raising us practically on her own. i love her so much. she is a very strong woman. i'm proud of her.

30 days - day twenty-six

day twenty-six: a picture of something that means a lot to you.




love

love is something that means a lot to me. i could not and would not be alive today without love. i want to find a love that will last forever. i can only dream...

take it easy (love nothing)

sometimes songs work better.

you think you're fooling me?

so, lately, i've been noticing how much i cannot stand certain people...

for instance...

i hate almost every female, especially if they posses the following qualities: obnoxiously girly, fake-tanned, materialistic, two-faced, full of shit, dumb, wear too much make up, hurt anyone close to me, if they like any or all of the twilight movies, think that celebrity news is the only news, think they're better than anyone, are super fucking fake and cannot admit it to themselves, and have an annoying voice.

basically, i really cannot stand most gals. i don't mind it at all. girls make the shittiest of friends, because of several of the reasons listed above.

i don't care if this makes me sound like an asshole, cause i already know i am.

if you get offended or pissed, fuck off... i'll just end up adding you to the list of people i'm going to fight... which right now only has three people (one of which i have already beat up twice)...


so fuck you. and have a nice day.

30 days - day twenty-five...

day twenty-five: a picture of your day




well, i don't really know how to capture that, but a picture of the only thing i'm looking forward to in my day is to cuddle with blake while we watch a movie or play video games or just talk... that's what i look forward to every day.

30 days - day twenty-four...

day twenty-four: a picture of something you wish you could change


my heart and mind.




i have a distorted sense of reality. i process things incorrectly. i wish i could change the way i think and feel about myself... it's something i work on every single day. despite my best efforts, it always feels like each step i take forward, i ultimately take 3 steps back. this is a constant battle that i don't know if i will ever win.

30 Days - day twenty-three

day twenty-three - a picture of your favorite book



the little prince.




this book was given to me while i was in the hospital in 2008. i have never been so thankful to have a children's book in my life. if you haven't read it, i strongly suggest you do.